Alright, friends, I gave it a shot. After a couple of my gal pals found love on the internets… and not like luv, but L-O-V-E = love, I thought I would set up an online dating profile and give it a try. My thought was that, worst case scenario, I would at least get to talk to some people outside my circle and very immediate downtown bubble.
My biggest fear holding me back from online dating was, honestly, serial killers. Completely logical fear, everyone! I watch a lot of ‘The First 48 hour’ and ‘Unsolved Mystery’ type- shows. And I am obsessed with Catfish, which is a giant PSA for not trusting people on the internet. But where else is a busy 20-something, kind of recluse, supposed to find the Zack Morris to go with her Kelly Kapowski? There are always bars, but this lady’s beer goggles get switched on early in the evening. Bars always equal boys who are bad news bears.
So after I was out for drinks with some friends where we discussed the pros and cons of online dating, I rustled up some liquid courage and created the Zooey Deschanel of online dating profiles, adorable, hilarious and slightly quirky.
I set those little check marky things to put feelers out to dudes who are 26 to 36… Average age of men who messaged me: 50. Okay, I do love me some fine aged wine ala Christoph Waltz, but Christoph Waltzs are few and far between and from what I have learned they are not looking for online love in London, Ontario.
In the section that asks “What is the one thing a person needs to know about you,” I bluntly stated “I hate emoticons with a fiery passion.” Because the liberal use of emoticons is a deal-breaker for me. Every other message I received was a weird perverted winky face. How am I supposed to respond to that, is there an emoticon for a middle finger? (Answer: there apparently is an app for that.)
There was also a section to list things you cannot live without, and obviously wine made it onto that list. I only think it’s fair for people to know early on about my functioning alcoholism (that’s a joke, y’all). I was lucky enough to receive a message from a gent that made me let out an audible “Aw hellz no”: “White wine, red wine, I don’t care, as long as it gets me laid tonight.” Really… really?! I wish I had the resources to go Jay and Silent Bob on this dude’s ass. I’m not a prude, but buddy, this isn’t Grindr.
After a few more messages filled with emoticons and all caps (messages in all caps are only acceptable if they are from Kanye West) I deleted my profile. Maybe I’m too judgmental. Part of my issue could be that I have been watching Downton Abbey and fantasizing about literal gentlemen. Apparently I need messages to read like: “My dearest lady Deanne, your name rolls off my tongue like Cheshire pudding and sets my heart afire”.
I suppose finding companionship through the matrix of the internet just isn’t for me. For people who have found it, all the power to you. I guess I will just have to find love in more conventional ways… like a Russian mail-order husband service… they still exist, because I keep getting emails from them.
I know, I am probably giving up too soon. Part of me hoped that I would at least get to go on a date with a deranged flasher.. because, that would be epic material. But for my mental health, I cannot go forth. If I received one more winky face I would have had to punch my computer screen, which sounds more dramatic than it actually would be. I have no upper body strength, so old compy would probably go unscathed.
I have also come to the conclusion that Netflix and I will enjoy a beautiful civil union in the near future. So why fight fate?
What are your online dating stories? Did you find love? Receive any hilariously, disturbing messages? Please share (especially on the hilariously, disturbing messages part)!